“Chili’s is the new golf course.”

Seattle Skyline

Photo courtesy of: Google Images

(I wish I could claim it as mine…)

Day 2

{Seattle – 01.02.13}

After an awesome evening full of laughs, reminiscing, and Tosh.0 with one of my best friends, we woke up to a beautiful morning in Seattle. Before the madness, we took the dogs to a dog park for their last crap in the lower 48.

Once the dogs ate, pooped, and ignored all obedience we instilled, we headed to the loading area at the barge (aka: ghettoville). Word to the wise: If you’re a single woman, moving to Alaska, hire a bodyguard and buy yourself some pepper spray…or a machete. Thankfully, I have two “guard dogs” and a husband to back me up while I pull out my throwing stars and nunchucks.

The whole logistics of moving to Alaska is an effing nightmare. (Especially when the barge company screws up and you don’t receive your cargo trailer and vehicle for not just one, but TWO weeks. From now on, I will refer to the unnamed company as, “Douchebags of the Sea.” You’ll hear more about said event later.) They load your cargo trailer and vehicle into a conex box, then load that conex box onto a barge, stack them like building blocks, then send it northward. It takes 5-7 days for a barge to get to Sitka. You essentially put your entire life in a metal box and hope that it makes it to Alaska. In the meantime, you get to live in an empty house on an air mattress accompanied by sleeping bags. Glamorous.

After we dropped off the car and cargo trailer, we headed to lunch and airport with the bro and sis in law. When we got onto I-5 headed south, it REALLY started to set in. We. Are. Moving. To. Alaska. It was about that time that my mom called. Something about hearing a familiar voice in the time of panic really makes it set in. Once I got off the phone, I could feel my eyes well up with tears. I could feel my heart racing and my blood pressure boiling. This is it.

Once we got closer to the airport, we started to look for a place to eat. Denny’s? No thanks. Random sushi bar in a basement of a hotel? No thanks. We settled on the Radisson Hotel’s restaurant. It made me think of “The Office” episode where Michael Scott cancelled their business meeting at the Radisson and took the client to Chili’s. “I want my baby-back, baby-back, baby-back….ribs. Chiiiiilllllliiiiiii’s baby-back ribs.” (I’m sure there are some readers who have no idea what the hell I’m talking about….watch the show.)

After tearful goodbyes, it was time to load up the dogs and go through security. Now, that’s a fun process.

1. The dogs are already stressed because they have no idea what is going on.

2. They’re in a new place with lots of noise and people. (Thank goodness for the “relaxing” drugs from Dr. Sarah. Pretty soon both pups had a glazed look over their eyes and were on their way to a happy place.)

3. They’ve never flown before and so we’re also new to the whole experience.

We split up and my husband waited in line while I sat on the floor with the dogs trying to keep them calm. It was about then when a lady experiencing a panic attack was trying to check her dog in. What. A. Nightmare. The dog needed Ritilin, the owner needed a Xanax, and I needed popcorn to just sit back and watch the trainwreck unfold. She had stuck her luggage in her dog kennel and was trying to get her suitcase out while holding onto her hyped up dog. It was as ungraceful and forceful as a woman giving birth to a 15 lb. baby. She pulled, pushed, prodded, pulled some more until it came flying out. She then was trying to put her dog in the kennel (which the dog was clearly going to resist) and talk to the airline assistant. Oy vey.

After we got them all checked in and loaded, the attendant came to take them away. At this point I was telling myself, “Keep it together. Keep it together.” I could see Finley’s eyes staring at me with a look of terror as they wheeled her and Elliott away from me. Talk about rip your heart out and piss on it.

Once they took the girls, it was our turn to go through security. If you’re not flying out of Bozeman, security is always a breeze. We made our way to our gate to find out that our flight was delayed TWO hours. Feck.

Now here comes the awesome part….we went up to the boarding agent’s desk who was a glorified C. U. Next. Tuesday. We waited at the desk for a couple minutes until she actually acknowledged us.

“Hi.” (The bitchiness was oozing out of her pores.)

“Hi, how are you today?”

“Fine.” (With a little head shake and scowl.)

“We were wondering if Flight 67 was going to happen today.”

*sigh* “Ya, it’s just delayed.” (With some gusto attitude.)

“Ok. We were just concerned because our dogs are flying with us today.”

“They’ll be fine.” (As she laughed under her breath. Clearly not an animal person.)

By the time we turned around, our blood pressure was spiked, our jaws were clenched and we were PISSED. I purposefully muttered, “What a BITCH!” loud enough for her to hear. I’m so classy sometimes.

The next few hours drug on FOOOOORRRREEEVVEEEEERRRRRRR. You can only people watch for so long until you want to gouge your eyes out with a pencil. (Although the guy wearing the “Sluts ❤ Me” t-shirt was pretty awesome.)

{SEA –> KTN}

Seattle to Ketchikan

FINALLY………we got to board the 737, which smelled like B.O., buttcrack, and pee filled diapers. I had the middle seat, with my husband on the right. When you don’t know who you’re going to sit next to, you tend to look down the aisle and play the, “oh god, I hope it’s not him” or “she would be fine.” It was about that moment that Stranger X came to sit by me. She was shit-housed, loud, obnoxious, ADHD, and mostly, annoying. Once she found her seat, she bounced around from the window to my personal space, back to her seat, leaned on the seat in front of her, and so on. She was decked out in a camo coat, ripped up jeans, ugg-like boots, and a scrunchie. (I’m not judging, I’m just trying to paint the whole picture.) The only thing missing was a moose carcass strapped to her backpack.

Time for take-0ff. As the plane ascended, getting higher and higher, the tears were flowing. (I swear I’ve cried more in the past 2 weeks than I have in the last 2 years combined. I’m worse than a sorority girl during movie night watching “Steel Magnolias.”)

We all got our drinks and snacks and tried to get some rest. I leaned back and closed my eyes when all of a sudden, I could feel my seat getting wet. I look over and Drunko next to me spilled her water. She was completely oblivious as the water ran down her seat and mine. So for the majority of the flight, I had a soppy butt. Awesome. To top it off, Drunko decided to get comfy and take a snooze. She took of her god-awful, smelly boots for the remainder of the flight. So add “smelly feet” to the already stank smells to your senses. For the love of all that is holy, please let this flight end….

Thankfully, Drunko had to get off at Ketchikan. Halle-freaking-leujiah.

{KTN –> SIT}

Ketchikan to Sitka

Finally, the last leg of our flight. We couldn’t get there any sooner, because Momma Bear was ready to see her babies.

Luckily, with the new people boarding, no one had to take the seat next to me. Hello, extra leg room. With the new people boarding came great people watching. A woman carrying her fair share of carry-on items was mowing down people sitting in the aisle seats. She muttered, “Sorry if my stuff hits anybody.” I don’t think she really cared. She was wearing a straw hat with a dead animal attached to it with buttons. No joke. It was like Tommy Bahama meets Sarah Palin. I tried to identify what type of animal it was….maybe a ferret? A weasel? Not sure. It was stretched from the top of her straw hat down the back brim, completely embellished with large silver buttons. Haute.

After a short flight, we touched down in Sitka. The airport is not very big at all, so it’s pretty easy to find the one and only baggage claim. As the conveyor started, we impatiently waited for the dogs. It’s absolutely amazing what type of “luggage” people check. A duck taped lunch cooler, a ratty cardboard box, and so forth. Interesting. When the side doors swung open and I could see our baby girls, I was overtaken with a feeling of relief. Thank goodness. Seeing their sweet faces was all I needed at that point.

We were absolutely exhausted and famished. Since we had zero groceries, an empty house with an air mattress, our own fart sack (sleeping bag), and zero motivation to cook with our awesome supplies {1 frying pan, 1 small saucepan, a rubber spatula, a wooden spoon, 4 plastic plates, 4 plastic glasses, utensils, a can opener, a bottle opener, and a small knife), we hit up McDonald’s. For TWO value meals, it was $17. Welcome to Alaska. Hello, food costs. Yikes.

What. A. Freaking. Day.

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One thought on ““Chili’s is the new golf course.”

  1. amy b.s. says:

    a scrunchie? i’m judging.

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